Asterix and the Big Fight... in Ben-Gaul
The year is 2021 AD. North and East India is almost entirely occupied by the Lotus Party. Well, not entirely. One small state of indomitable Bengalis still holds out against them… Khela Hobe! Let the games begin!
Editor’s note: We are delighted to have Sandip Roy write this very fun curtain-raiser on the Bengal elections—which will kick off on March 27, and last an entire month. This good read makes hilarious hay of a nasty election season.
The Trinamool Team
Score in the last great contest of 2016: 211 seats. Its small and mighty team of warriors include:
Asterix aka Mamata Banerjee: She’s a shrewd, cunning little warrior. All perilous missions are immediately entrusted to her. But has her magic potion run out? Didi may have injured her leg, but she is still battling from her wheelchair. Her rallying cry: “An injured tigress is more dangerous.” The BJP state president’s poisonous response: “The CM wants to show her plastered leg to everyone. Why doesn’t she just wear a pair of Bermudas?” Asterix in shorts? We think not.
Obelix who? Asterix’s inseparable friend is always ready to drop everything and go off on a new adventure. But this time around, an entire bevy of Obelixes are far too busy delivering menhirs to the BJP instead. Our doughty Didi has to rely instead on party secretary-general Partha Chatterjee and senior Leader Madan Mitra. Mitra’s valiant contribution to the big fight: A music video featuring kaddus to shame Trinamool turncoats—who are green on the outside, but sadly orange inside. Take that, BJP!
Cacofonix aka The Nephew: Didi’s blue-eyed nephew Abhishek Banerjee has struck a rather discordant note with many party old timers who don’t want to dance to his tune.
Getafix aka Prashant Kishor: His specialty is the political potion that gives his client electoral muscle. While the signs are worrying, the master-druid certainly sounds confident of the power of his secret sauce: “If BJP wins more than 100 seats in Bengal, then I will leave this job. I will do something else but not this work.” Hmm, what recipe does he have up his sleeve?
The TMC master plan
Campaign slogan shastra: Mamata gets an upgrade from sister to daughter thanks to TMC’s new campaign mantra: ‘Bangla Nijer Meyekei Chaay’ (Bengal wants its own daughter). The BJP is “bahiragata” as in ‘outsiders’. Translation: vote for BJP and say goodbye to Durga Pujo biryani.
Campaign soundtrack: ‘Khela Hobe’, a song so infectious that even rivals want a piece of it.
Magic Potion: Didi’s many dole schemes she hopes will keep her Ben-Gaulis sated. Kanyashree, Rupashree, Samabyathi, Sabooj Sathi, Gitanjali, Swasthya Sathi, Krishak Bandhu—the dole list covers birth, marriage, death, and all events in between. Who needs boars, when we have doles! For an extra sprinkling of starry magic: Trinamool has raided Tollywood and added to its roster of stars. There’s also an ex-cricketer Manoj Tiwary and football legend Bidesh Bose. But none compares to Moon Moon Sen, of course!
Achilles heel: Anti-incumbency. While Mamata Banerjee is popular, her rank and file is not so much. Her cadre’s reputation of strong-arm tactics, corruption and cut-money rackets is hurting them. There is anger about the diversion of cyclone Amphan relief supplies. And people are upset about Trinamool leaders who roam around in Scorpios while they have to pay bribes to get access to welfare schemes. Adding to the unhappiness: A 2018 panchayat election which Trinamool won amid accusations of rigging. Many fed-up Left voters switched to BJP during the 2019 Lok Sabha to teach Trinamool a lesson.
The very Bharatiya Team
Score in the last great contest of 2016: 3 seats. Its great and mighty team of warriors includes:
Julius Caesar aka Narendra Modi: The BJP has gone into battle without a chief minister candidate. Rumour had it they were assiduously courting Sourav Ganguly. But thanks to his heart problems, Ganguly has apparently lost heart. Therefore, no Dada vs Didi showdown. Who needs the local chieftain to win over the natives, when great man Modi-ji is there to chant—‘Didi O Didi’—Mamata into oblivion.
Chief Legionaries: of the fortified camps of Compendium, Laudanum, Aquarium and Totorum are as follows: pugnacious BJP party chief Dilip Ghosh, battle-eager MP Babul Supriyo, the brilliantly named actor-turned-MP Locket Chatterjee. And last but not least: the original defecting (defective) Obelix, Mukul Roy. He knows all of Didi’s vital statistics, but can he get the sky to fall on Trinamool’s head?
Tragicomix aka Sovan Chatterjee: The former Kolkata mayor quit Trinamool with his “lady friend”—only to be denied a ticket. Now he has quit the BJP as well—but his ex-wife has landed a Trinamool ticket. Stranded in the high seas like the hapless pirates from Asterix.
The BJP master plan
Campaign slogan shastra: We are not Trinamool (more like a Trinamool alumni WhatsApp group).
Also, Pax Romana: a Sonar Bangla—ruled by the same great gods who rule Sonar Delhi. Plus: End to appeasement and/or infiltration (i.e. anything Muslim-ish). We will bring, er, “aas-hole poriborton”? Or whatever Modi-ji said:
Campaign soundtrack: ‘Pishi Jao’ or Aunty Go, set to the tune of Bella Ciao. Nice.
Magic potion: Poaching a fine number of Moralsareelastix MLAs, MPs and activists. Interesting bit of team data: 150 out of 283 candidates fielded by the party are recent defectors from TMC & Congress. The biggest ‘get’: Suvendu Adhikari, the strongman of Nandigram—where the farmer agitation helped propel Mamata Banerjee to power in 2011. Didi has moved from her home turf in Kolkata to confront this gallic Brutus in his home turf. Obelix fighting on the side of the Romans… sigh!
Extra star sprinkling: Mithun Chakraborty: While his name is not on the candidate list, we can’t rule out a last minute surprise entry. From alleged Naxalite to a CPM minister’s BFF, then a Trinamool’s Rajya Sabha MP and now BJP’s trump card... this has been quite a journey for the Disco Dancer. Also: Tollywood actors like 90s star Papiya Adhikari’s whose “Why I love the BJP” video is better than any of her screen performances.
Caesar's Gift: In a state obsessed with upper-caste Bhadralok, the BJP has taken up the cause of Matuas—backward caste Hindus who emigrated from Bangladesh, and who also will benefit most from the new citizenship law.
Achilles heel: BJP candidates who don’t know they are BJP candidates. Like the newly viral Shikha Mitra, announced as a contender from the ritzy Chowringhee area of Kolkata.
Also: Weak candidates like Justforkix Swapan Dasgupta, the rightwing pundit who had to resign from his Rajya Sabha seat. Seen here with a wreath around his head apparently playing Puck in a Midsummer Night’s Swapan:
The Samyukta Morcha Sideshow
Score in the last great contest of 2016: Congress (44), Left Front (32). Thinks Brits and Picts and Helvetians.
The Team: Hmmm… Well if you insist, Adhir Chowdhury (Congress), Mohammad Salim (CPM) et al.
Campaign slogan shastra: Karma not Dharma.
Campaign soundtrack: CPM jettisoning its revolutionary marching songs for a parody of a raucous raunchy hit Bengali song Tumpa Sona (Tumpa Darling):
Magic Potion: Abbas Siddiqui or Bhaijaan. The firebrand Muslim cleric who heads the Indian Secular Front accuses Trinamool of betraying its Muslim voters, and grabs a lot of headlines.
Achilles heel: Abbas Siddiqui or Bhaijaan. Polarisation is BJP’s friend. Also: Asaduddin Owaisi whose All India Majlis-e-Ittehadul-Muslimeen will also contest the election. Trinamool accuses him of being a “Roman agent”. Nope, you can’t make this up.
The soothsayer says: This is an election best summed up—as someone on one of my WhatsApp groups put it—"Left vs Those Who Left vs Those Who Are Left”. After 2011 Mamata went all out to uproot the Left. And she was so successful she created a vacuum, which is now a golden opportunity for the BJP. While many polls have Trinamool pulling through, the only survey to cover every assembly constituency predicts the BJP will romp home with 170 seats.
Vitalstatistix, the chief of the Gauls, is afraid of nothing except the sky falling on his head. But as he always says “Tomorrow never comes.” But might tomorrow finally be here in Bengal?
